I am having a moment of down. I must know it will be ephemeral. I am tempted to use the word burnt out, but I fear my melancholy is causing me to be hyperbolic. As I strive to remain in the here and now to shore myself up and invigorate my resilience, I am plagued by the thought that my here and now is as empty as my future, and also my past. Everything seems to be gauged by relationship. I have no relationships. I am surrounded by predictable strangers who only provoke coma and revolt against tiresome parody. My biological fitness is screaming “FAILURE!”
The thought that things may change for the better is illusory; in fact, all thought is illusory. The fact that the Sun comes out from behind a cloud and shines on a face may remove the homogeny, but its contemplation also causes the contrast. With intense light comes intense shadow. With contrast comes comparison. If there’s one thing to be said for the clouds it’s that they so well blend a horizon of remoteness and thirst with an ocean of remoteness and thirst.
The absurdity that has been such a comfort for over a week now is still holding true. However, the cloud of euphoria from empowerment has dissipated for the time being, and I am left with a chiaroscuro of laughter and tears. Right now, I am feeling lonely and unwanted. Absurd reaction to my isolation has produced a non-ness. The laugh has forced down the tears. I am left with an even flow where nothing changes except the level of desperation. I want to be with someone; anyone. I want intimacy. I want to see a smile. I want to hear a laugh. I want to feel the warmth. I want some of the comfort that comes from the lie. I want to remove the paradox. I want my face in the Sun again.