Here-ing and Now-ing

It has been a couple of months since I put anything on here. I had been having a pretty rough time, not from anything objectively external, though it was all subjectively external. I lost my Self. If you have read some of my posts from the past few + few months, you will probably know that I lost love and have been having a really difficult and testing time. For moments back there I thought I was dead in more ways than one. I was a ghost. I was painfully haunting. I will not pretend that I’m over her withdrawing from me because I do still love her; but my ego is now having a hiatus, allowing me time to exist here and now rather than in a fantasy of perpetual unworthiness, a past of failure, and a future of desolation and despair.

The here and now is a rather unexciting place, yet after months and months of being psychosomatically run through my fantastical ringer I am at this moment contently and understatedly happy with the respite. I realise I am still here, and want to be here. Despite a few times when I felt the primitive draw towards the permanent exit door, I now know I am not ready to end my absurd adventure just yet. I am beginning to feel good again. I may only be an okay minus at the moment, but there is now progress. I am wanting to do things again. I am feeling my libido returning. Those other externalities of social justice, radicalism, anarchism, Humanism, evolution, and reform are finding the vigour of their footing once again. I am feeling I can again contribute. I feel I can again enjoy the good fight. I feel I can once again push my rock up the hill and watch it roll back down with a comical smile.

I am now learning to acknowledge the love I have for myself. It has been the case for far too long that I have not given myself enough credit. It has only just very recently dawned upon me of my admiration for me in those times in my life when I have been compelled to extreme risk and selflessness, but it simultaneously became apparent that I have failed to appreciate the profundity of those comparatively less energetic bits in between. Those flashbulbs of denial and repression are the grotesque manifestations of my care, my ideals, my ambitions against cruelty. Learning to reward myself with acknowledgement for being a caring and conscientious human is a hard task. The naturalisation and ignorance of being those ‘virtues’ seems to have been completed a long time ago. I never gave myself any plaudits for being what I thought we should all innately be. I still feel unease about it. I will still probably not do it as often as I should, but like a pat on the back for still breathing, I know I deserve it.

Anyway…

… Here and now, I still love her; a memory and a capability in which I revel…

… Here and now, I love her and that makes me feel happy…

… Here and now, I feel “I wish” vanishing from my impulsive vocabulary…

… Here and now, I can raise a comical smile towards the absurdity of my life’s creation…

… Here and now, I can wave my smile like a banner at the empowering realisation of my ability to end the absurdity anytime I want…

… Here and now, the thought that there were 14 billion years of my oblivion and nonexistence, and that when this absurdity ends I’ll be oblivious and nonexistent for perhaps googols and googolplexes of years, raises a smug smile about MY time in the Sun…

… Here and now, the past is a shape-shifter, the future is unknown, and they are both grandiose fictions…

… Here and now, I am happy that my contradictions and hypocrisies are not cruel…

… Here and now, I am happy I fell in love and continue to love…

… Here and now, I am happy I am a good guy, and an admirable fella (if only to me)…

… Here and now, I’m feeling better about getting better…

… Here and now, I am absurd, I am lonely, and I am happy.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s