I feel like over the past few days I have been on social media too much. Granted, when I’m not writing a blog post, like this one, I’m on and off of an app or site within a few minutes at most. It probably helps that I have hardly anything installed on my phone, meaning I need my tablet or laptop to use most apps and sites. But, those few minutes still feel way too long.
I haven’t really been communicating with anyone on Facebook and Twitter, which prior to my 3 week self imposed social media exile I had been prolific on. Since reactivation I’ve been using Facebook exclusively as a travelog feed for my impending ‘runner‘. I decided to unfollow all my family and friends and untick their ‘get notifications’. This was for the purpose of removing myself from seeing anything that might trigger an allusion to, and please forgive the sentiment, my lost love, and also to avoid seeing my relatives nonchalantly sharing their ignorant (I hope) right-wing bullshit. Plus, or should I say most of all, if they aren’t visible then they can’t ignore me. There are not many emotional feelings worse than being in what seems inevitable mortal harm from myself, desperately wanting help, trying to cry out, and realising everyone you love is purposefully watching X-Factor/vacuous-pop-diversion.
Anyway, about a week ago I changed my profile picture. The day before I got my haircut professionally for the first time since about 1992, or something. This photo got quite a good liking and commentary, for one of my photos, and despite my judging everyone for their superficiality, I enjoyed the attention. I didn’t really respond to anyone other than to give a communal thanking. But, the unexpected attention guilted me into wanting to share something in response. so I typed out a status regarding the rare low latitude aurora borealis, due to a coronal mass ejection that Earth was going to be passing through over the weekend. That got a few likes. Meh.
As for Twitter, I tweeted that I probably wouldn’t be tweeting, then a few days later tweeted a link to my blog post regarding the Scottish independence referendum. Twitter seems too much of a lottery for me. I still follow the woman I wanted so much to be with, and I can’t bear the thought of seeing her tweets, good or bad. I can’t seem to cut free. I’m not involved anymore, and that thought saps my hopes like nothing I’ve ever known. I just can’t be on Twitter, or Facebook, or Tumblr for that matter. I can’t risk knowing or being reminded.
To round things off, I got two matches on Tinder, which out of politeness I’m compelled to respond to despite having no interest in pursuing to any tangible ends. On Ask.fm I had an anonymous request to be a palindrome, and an anonymous compliment on my profile picture. This facade of anonymity frustrates the hell out of me. Again, I could know, but I don’t want to, just in case. And I’ve been communicating quite a lot, for me at least, with an old pal on Whatsapp. I do not mind this, however I lack the enthusiasm I feel I should have. This results in a feeling of being delusive.
This post has become a weird manifestation. It is more than a little forced. It all comes down to me just not wanting my last blog post about Scottish independence to be my last blog post. It was too removed from what’s impacting me personally. I’m still in love, and I’m trying to distract myself. Trying to reassure others. It’s true, I do feel better than I did a week ago, but I’m not yet ready to free myself. I know my social networking interactions are meagre in comparison to the vast majority. Nevertheless, I’m feeling overwhelmed and really want to detach myself. I continue to be conflicted. I continue to be afraid. I’m exhausted. Blah! Blah! Blah! I’ll probably deactivate again.
What about WordPress? Well, no bugger looks at this anyway.