Despite my analytical, logical, and philosophical conjugations, I can often find myself revisiting situations that are deeply confusing to me. These are typically emotional, as can be well-gleaned by the avoidance of the subject in my other blog posts. So to avoid tiring your eyes I will clearly state I am far from being the most emotionally charged dude on the beach… And so the confusion starts here; I have recently started forming a very close bond with a woman online. We had met each other briefly a while before this. This woman is beautiful, intelligent, enthusiastic, empathetic, genuinely compassionate, imaginative, reflective, abstract, passionate, inquisitive, and exciting, and she kicks my analyses up in the air like fallen leaves in the autumn. She is also 19 years younger than I am.
She appeared to me through what I perceived to be false modesty. We conversed and I discovered an unwarranted low self esteem. My intention from the beginning was to try to unlock her confidence with my perceptions of her beauty, intelligence, and other positive traits. I thought I did this altruistically; freeing her from the fetters of a judgemental consumer society. However, this has resulted in her becoming emotionally and romantically interested in me, which in turn has resulted in awakening the prospect of my reciprocating this romance. She is the first woman to openly declare an interest in me in quite a while. I like being alone, but not being lonely.
I have never had much confidence in myself within relationships. As I mentioned, I am most comfortable being alone. I have an idealised conception of how others should be treated, and what they deserve. Paradoxically, this idealism is a concept I am unable to provide for myself, let alone provide to anyone else. I feel guilty. I feel I am/will derail the other person from attaining the idealistic fantasy I have created for them. It’s a crazy logic; almost solipsistic. And it’s all a fantasy, but it is also something I ironically consider a responsible thing to think about.
I would be more than happy if she used me as a shoulder to cry on, another set of eyes, a spare brain, a pair of arms, a lover, as her needs take her. Though, it feels that if I were to commit to reciprocation I would automatically be irresponsibly serving my own needs. The sycophant who derails the possibilities of a beautiful and intelligent young woman for his own needs. That feels like who I’m on the cusp of becoming.
I am generally a nice bloke. I respect the boundaries of the individual, and I am conscientious. I want to be a lover, and I want to nurture. I do not doubt she would leave me undamaged, but what if she didn’t leave me? … If you ever want to know how to make Pie-in-the-sky look no further. I am maybe on the verge of a new relationship and I am scared shitless by the responsibility. Despite all my pretence, I am but a hormonal child in the 4th decade. Emotionally speaking, I’m still none the wiser than when I was a youth.